Monday, October 1, 2012

Manager Acting More Important Than He Really Is

Manager Charlie Moore is reportedly acting like he is an important part of the Finance Department, sources say. According to Analysts working with him, Moore has demonstrated his importance by demanding that other staff make his travel plans for him, pick up his lunch, and even run his errands. Moore thinks he has earned this importance by working for five straight years at Widgets Corp, LLC, Inc.

He did not always act like this say some employees. "He was cool until that one morning he finished his online MBA Program. Then, he became very important and started making us call him Manager Moore instead of Charlie”.

"A guy like that must be really important," said Winifred Smith. "Otherwise, why would he call me on Sunday at home to tell me something that could have waited until Monday morning?" Jim Alger agreed. "You know when somebody is one of Widgets Corp, LLC, Inc.'s 173 managers, he has truly reached the pinnacle of the business world. They are the players that are molding the corporate world right before our eyes. We are only too lucky to do their grunt work and have them take credit for it."

Moore commented that he is way too busy "making things happen" to be interviewed for this story, adding "hey, you, could you make seven copies of this?"

Written by John Garrett

Saturday, September 1, 2012

New CPA-Only Table in Break Room

In order to create more of an incentive for the Accounting Department staff to pass the CPA Exam, management has announced a CPA-only table in the break room. Julie Thompson told reporters, “Just like the cool table in high school, the CPA-only table is for a select group. Besides, most of the CPAs probably never got to sit at the cool table in high school so it’s nice for them to experience this feeling.”

Treasury Department Manager Harold Mercer is one that will continue to wonder what it’s like to be at the cool table. Despite having passed three certification tests, Tim has yet to pass the CPA Exam. “I bet he hasn’t even tried,” admitted Lori Anderson. “Sometimes I wonder if he’s really serious about his career.” Julie added, “Yeah, I think all that joking around is just to cover up his lack of GAAP knowledge.”

Unfortunately, none of Harold's certifications will get him a seat at the CPA-only table. “There are days I stare at that corner table as I eat my lunch,” Harold confessed. “I hear them all laughing at ratio jokes that I just don’t get. And that’s what hurts the most.”

It is rumored that Harold’s Secret Santa has purchased Becker CPA Review books to help Tim pass the exam.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

New Hire Interviews Herself for HR Position

Due to a rare set of circumstances, Lisa interviewed herself for the new HR Manager position. At the time, the Detroit office was without any Human Resources Department so no one else was qualified to do it.

But the interview didn't go as smoothly as you might expect. Lisa was disappointed in some of the answers she gave to standard interview questions. When asked how it went, Lisa told reporters, "She went on and on and on about her strengths but couldn't name a single weakness, like, say, talking to yourself in an interview room. Being crazy is probably a weakness at Widgets Corp LLC, Inc."

Obviously, Lisa did well enough to recover and get the job offer. Probably by answering "Why should I hire you?" with "Because we have a mortgage payment due in three weeks."

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Bathrooms on 5th Floor are "Way Nicer"

Due to a plumbing issue last week, all Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. employees had to use the restrooms on the 5th floor. Although these restrooms are in the same building, everyone was surprised at the differences. When asked how they compare, almost everyone used the phrase "way nicer".

Tim Green said his favorite part of the bathroom decor were the automatic sensors on the sinks and toilets. He said, "I'm a middle-manager so I don't have the time to be turning faucets on and off. And forget about flushing toilets."

Reasons for the higher rating for the women's bathroom included gold framed mirrors from West Elm and purple velvet curtains. "I was pleasantly surprised," Winifred Smith told reporters. "So much so, I found myself going to the bathroom just to hang out." Janice Miller added, "The lighting in there is really outstanding."

The plumbing issue is expected to be resolved by the end of the week. Until then, due to an increase in loitering complaints, building security has announced that all employees must now use the restroom in the Starbucks next door.

Written by John Garrett

Friday, June 1, 2012

Caterer Delivers Wrong Pasta Salad

"We always use City Market for catering because they have never let me down," Stacy Thole told reporters as she fought back tears. "I can't believe they would do something like this."

Tri Color Bowtie Pasta Salad has always been a staple at Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. catered lunch meetings. No one is sure how City Market could have delivered Basil Pesto Tortellini instead.

Thole angrily called the caterer several times, explaining, "The meeting is going to start in three minutes and I don't have the right pasta salad. Heads are definitely going to roll."

Attendees felt the regional team meeting just wasn't the same. "The pasta salad is by far the best part of lunch," said Tom Searson. "I usually make three or four trips to the serving line." Kevin Gaydos added, "That stuff makes my brain work so much faster." When asked how the tortellini compared, Jeff Raynes said, "They're both good but I really like the colors in the other one."

Thole really feels like she let the team down. "I know the pasta salad makes meetings so much more productive," she said.

Due to the catering error, Widgets has had to reduce the first quarter projected earnings.

No one from City Market was available for comment.

Written by
John Garrett

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Keith Talks About Sports at Lunch

"I couldn't believe it!" exclaimed Helen Madsen. "Everyone knows you only talk about work when you go to lunch – especially when you go with me."

This embarrassing incident happened at TGI Friday's last week when Keith Hendrickson went to lunch with three co-workers. Keith said, "I was having a rough day and honestly forgot the rule."

By all accounts, Keith repeatedly brought up Monday Night Football even though others would want to talk about work. Helen said, “Right when we would change the subject to the new organizational chart, he would start talking about football again. I was flabbergasted.”

Due to this behavior, Helen has asked him to not join the lunch group for the next two weeks. Keith admitted, “Yeah, I definitely deserve the lunch probation.”

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Incoming Sales Associates Will Be Much Smarter

According to high-ranking sources inside Widgets Corp LLC, Inc., the newest class of sales associates are much better than those in previous years.

"We think we finally got it right this time," said HR Director Jennifer Smith. "Last year was kind of a dry run. We took the bottom of the barrel in order to experiment on them. Now that we've worked the kinks out, we'll bring in the real talent. The sequel will be better than the original."

"Everything about them is better," agreed Silvia Lydon. "They're smarter, more skilled with people, more athletic, and most of all, better looking. Another glaring difference between the classes is that the new class has only had 2 members that have participated in AA and the current group has, well, a lot more than that," she added.

Current Widgets employees aren't so sure that the new class will measure up.

“Working at Widgets is way harder than it looks," said Jeremy Brown. "If these rookies think they can just come right in and be superstars, they've got another thing coming. We all know what happened to 'Saved by the Bell: The New Class'".

Only time will tell which class performs better, but look for the rivalry to heat up in the months to come.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Despite Company Slogan, Widgets Gets Same Results

Widgets Corp, LLC, Inc., known for it’s slogan “Better people, Better results”, recently announced it will actually get the “same results” this year, despite hiring “better people”.

Widgets spokesperson Tom Searson said it's time to realize that the statement may have been far fetched. "After consulting with several clients, we realized that we were doing just fine with the people we had."

Searson went on to admit the slogan was created after the committee ate Papa John’s pizza for lunch. “I guess we didn’t really think this one through,” admitted Searson. “Better ingredients do make better pizzas but that slogan format only works if you are making things people eat”.

Widgets will begin working on a new slogan campaign immediately. Rumor has it that the front runner is "We’re Pretty Good with Who We Have Now".

Written by John Garrett

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Manager Refuses to Accept Resignation

Cara Johnson weighed her options and decided a fresh start at a new company would be best for her. And she wanted to give her manager the customary two-week notice. "I told him this morning and all he said was, 'I can't accept your resignation'," Johnson said. "What the heck am I supposed to do now?"

Johnson's manager, Kyle Daniels, then told her, "I'll tell you what you're supposed to do now. How about finish that Accounts Receivable Aging Analysis?" Daniels then turned to reporters and said, "Nothing happens around here unless I say so. If Cara leaves Widgets, it will only be because it was my idea, not hers."

This is an unprecedented decision as it is the first time a manager has refused to accept a resignation in the history of Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. The Human Resources Department is not sure of the protocol. "We are reaching out to our peers. Until then, Cara is going to have to continue to work here," said an HR spokesperson. "I'm sure she will come to realize she really doesn't really want to leave Widgets. The other company is offering a promotion and more pay. Is that stuff really that important?"

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Year-end Review Levels Announced

Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. has changed the ranking system for the 7th consecutive year. "We feel like we really got it right this time," said Jennifer Smith, Human Resources Director. "Then again, we thought we were close three years ago but have had to make changes ever since."

The internal announcement stated employees will be rated on a scale from 1 to 3. Reporters later found out that there are six levels: 1, 1.5, 1.7, 2, and 3. When asked why the levels aren't whole numbers, Smith told reporters, "Being last is bad enough but getting a 5 would be embarrassing!" It seems they are trying hard to continue the idea that "All Widgets Are Winners".

Unfortunately, not all employees are even eligible for the highest rating. After reading the details, reporters discovered:
- Level 1: completely unattainable
- Level 1.5: only eligible to the owner
- Level 1.7: only for those in the Human Resources Department
- Level 2: highest rating eligible for employees
- Level 3: lowest rating eligible for employees

When asked why HR gets their own level, Smith said, "Well we are the geniuses who created this whole thing."

Then a reporter pointed out that this means nearly all the employees only have a possible rating of 2 or 3. Smith retorted, "Yeah, we tried to keep this process simple."

Written by John Garrett