Thursday, December 1, 2011

Work-Life Balance Plan Fails

In what has become known as the "Seward's Folly" of Corporate America, Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. admitted that the Work-Life Balance propaganda has led to the demise of the company. "It ends up that we gave them a choice, and the professionals actually chose 'life' over work," said a disappointed Cara Lewis, Widgets spokesperson. "We thought that they would surely choose work." The other companies are busy using this to their advantage. "Those silly fools. I cannot believe that the leadership would even give them a choice," said Brian Jenkins, spokesperson for Thingamabob, Widgets' biggest competitor. "The only choice our people get are work or live out on the streets. There is no question that work is your life and life is your work. That is how it should be at an institution like this." Many Widgets employees were leading the cause for the choice of 'life'. Richard Graffis, known for being a slacker, was not surprised to hear others prefer his evil ways. He told reporters that "it is about time that everyone else started working only 5 hours a day and then hitting the bars." Norm Tabler, having a reputation as a serious workaholic, was persuaded to choose 'life' by his peers. "I did not even know what this 'life' stuff was until I actually tried it. To tell you the truth, it was pretty fun and I think I'll try some more of it later this week." Cara Lewis stated that "Widgets is in the process of fixing the errant decision as quickly as possible". All professionals should expect to see the "Work-Life Balance Plan" to be replaced by the "What are you working on? Plan", hence taking away the choice of 'life'.

Written by
John Garrett

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Hallway Salutations Get Awkward

As Dave Gilbertson walks around the Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. corporate office, he tries to be friendly to each employee he passes. But after seeing Michelle Wolf six times yesterday, Dave was running out of things to say. "I used up all the greetings I could think of," Dave told reporters. "I really didn't know what else to say to her."

After using the standard lines 'hello', 'what's up?', 'how ya doin' and even 'howdy', Dave resorted to another language with 'bonjour'. "It's a good thing I saw that Olsen twins movie Passport to Paris," he said before quickly adding, "Wait, that last part is off the record."

Dave had a feeling he would run into Michelle again so he used Yahoo! Answers to research creative ways to say hello. That is where he discovered the line 'you smell fantastic'. "Yeah, that was the first one I saw so that was the only one that stuck in my head," Dave admitted. "I guess I should have stuck to 'hi'."

Human Resources has since announced that Michelle will not be punished for giving Dave a black eye.

Written by John Garrett

Saturday, October 1, 2011

IT Director Locked Out of System

IT Director Peter King forgot his password Monday morning and is still locked out of the system four days later. The WindowsXP security settings allow users three incorrect entries before requiring a new password. Unfortunately, King is responsible for resetting passwords when employees are locked out and there doesn't seem to be a backup plan in place. "I guess we never really thought about it happening to me," King admitted. "I've been calling our vendor for three days but they haven't been much help. We should have sprung for the upgraded support package."

When asked why they don't seem to have the same problem, other Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. employees stated, "I never forget mine because I just change the number at the end," said Jim Alger, who is using Password7 right now. "By the time I get to 9, I'm able to use the number 1 again". A bewildered VP, who asked to remain anonymous, added, "Why doesn't he just write in on a post-it note under his keyboard like everyone else?"

Peter King commented that he doesn't recommend writing your password on a post-it note. It's also safe to assume that he doesn't recommend getting locked out of the system.

Written by John Garrett

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Automatic Stapler Named Purchase of the Year

November 17th was a very important date in the history of Widgets Corp LLP, Inc. because that is when the Bostitch Anti-Jam Electric Stapler arrived at the corporate office.

Reporters found that Donald Wheeler is being credited with creating Purchase Order 102785 which approved the purchase of Widgets’ first automatic stapler. Wheeler says he picked that model because “…it had anti-jam in the name and that sounded cool”.

It was an easy choice for 2010 Purchase of the Year because employees throughout the office rave about the stapler. IT Specialist Mike Doberstein told reporters, “The owner’s manual says it staples up to 45 sheets of paper but I was able to squeeze in 48 one time.” He then smiled and added, “…but that’s probably because I’m a rebel.”

Written by John Garrett

Monday, August 1, 2011

Kelli Abuses "Business Casual" Attire Rule

Kelli Ellis has the corporate office talking about her reckless attitude towards the office's business casual policy. Ellis, known for always being on the cutting edge, may have stepped over the line last week. Sporting merely khakis and a white t-shirt, Ellis strolled around like she was "all that". Her outfit clearly flew in the face of the office policy, which specifically states that "unacceptable attire includes... t-shirts or any other shirts without collars."

"It really made for an unprofessional environment," said Bruce Tapp. "I don't know how I can be expected to work when people are going to flaunt the rules like that."

Ellis defended her choice of outfits by stating that the t-shirt was purchased at the Gap, which somehow makes it acceptable. "Besides, I had to box up files this morning," Ellis said. An analysis of the policy turned up no exception for that activity.

Widgets leadership announced that Ellis would be given one-month's dress code probation, as well as not being allowed to participate in the next "blue jeans day".

Written by John Garrett

Friday, July 1, 2011

Employees Upgrade to the Fast Lane

As expected, January's whopping 4% raises have significantly changed the lives of Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. employees, rocketing them into an elite set of consumers. Marketing Associate Theresa Higgins is no exception.

On the evening of January 7, Higgins took her first "post-raise" visit to the local supermarket. "Usually I buy the generic brand soda," said Higgins. On this night, flush with money from her new raise, Higgins headed straight for the Coca-Cola display. "Yeah, it was well over a dollar for a two liter compared to the usual 88 cents, but it was worth it." She went on to add, "and I'm worth it."

All across the area, one could find countless other examples of newfound wealth. At lunch on January 5, Matt Fuchs opted for extra cheese on his usual two slices of pizza. Previously, he only sprung for this luxury on his birthday.

The most extreme example took place over the weekend, when Jonathan Schmitt put $10 worth of premium gasoline in his car "because I felt like it."

In a related story, the Federal Reserve announced the recent splurge in spending by Widgets employees could be solely responsible for reviving the U.S. economy.

Written by John Garrett

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Tim Green Missing After Filing December 31 Timesheet

Senior Associate Tim Green was one of three employees rounded up for failing to account for every six-minute block on their December 31 timesheet.

"Each block is vital because that could be billable time," said Gina Rakers. "If Tim’s rate was $200 an hour, that means the Firm is out a whopping twenty bucks." The punishment for an error like this is three days in solitary confinement sorting the mail.

"How many times do I have to tell that kid?" asked Mike Atwood, Vice President. "I certainly hope that he learns his lesson."

Written by John Garrett

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Miller Reschedules a Rescheduled, Rescheduled Meeting

In a move regarded as the boldest in years, Janice Miller rescheduled a rescheduled, rescheduled meeting back to the original time. "There is nothing else I could do," she admitted. "Kevin's calendar is so full". Apparently the original time slot opened up after Kevin's golf tee time moved to another day.

Written by John Garrett

Friday, April 1, 2011

Kevin Gaydos Told Holiday Party Is Next Saturday

In an effort to keep the open bar tab from exceeding the budget, Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. management decided it was best for Kevin Gaydos not to be there. Therefore, Kevin's invitation says the party is actually next Saturday, December 17th.

"We set the real party for this weekend because we knew Kevin was going to a Covey Motivational Retreat," Janice Miller told reporters. "He wouldn't stop talking about how he was going to get his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People book autographed."

Reporters discovered that on December 17th, the venue is scheduled to host a Very Vegan Christmas. So the prank will not only be cost effective but also hilarious.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Bryan Definitely Means to Interrupt

He’s only worked for Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. for eight months but everyone knows that Bryan Clark doesn’t always mean what he says. “Yeah, he’s always telling everyone ‘I don’t mean to interrupt’ but all he ever does is interrupt,” said Alexa Fuller.

The latest incident happened yesterday when Fuller closed her office door to quietly enjoy her lunch. A few minutes later, Clark knocked on her door as he opened it. Realizing Fuller was eating, Clark says, “I don’t mean to interrupt but what size font should I use on these slides?”

“Really?” Fuller asked sarcastically, shaking her head. “I have my door closed for a reason. Can’t a girl eat lunch in peace anymore?”

After repeated questioning by reporters, Clark finally admitted he actually did mean to interrupt. Clark then added, "It's not even my job to change the font size on these slides anyway.”

Written by John Garrett