Monday, October 1, 2012

Manager Acting More Important Than He Really Is

Manager Charlie Moore is reportedly acting like he is an important part of the Finance Department, sources say. According to Analysts working with him, Moore has demonstrated his importance by demanding that other staff make his travel plans for him, pick up his lunch, and even run his errands. Moore thinks he has earned this importance by working for five straight years at Widgets Corp, LLC, Inc.

He did not always act like this say some employees. "He was cool until that one morning he finished his online MBA Program. Then, he became very important and started making us call him Manager Moore instead of Charlie”.

"A guy like that must be really important," said Winifred Smith. "Otherwise, why would he call me on Sunday at home to tell me something that could have waited until Monday morning?" Jim Alger agreed. "You know when somebody is one of Widgets Corp, LLC, Inc.'s 173 managers, he has truly reached the pinnacle of the business world. They are the players that are molding the corporate world right before our eyes. We are only too lucky to do their grunt work and have them take credit for it."

Moore commented that he is way too busy "making things happen" to be interviewed for this story, adding "hey, you, could you make seven copies of this?"

Written by John Garrett

Saturday, September 1, 2012

New CPA-Only Table in Break Room

In order to create more of an incentive for the Accounting Department staff to pass the CPA Exam, management has announced a CPA-only table in the break room. Julie Thompson told reporters, “Just like the cool table in high school, the CPA-only table is for a select group. Besides, most of the CPAs probably never got to sit at the cool table in high school so it’s nice for them to experience this feeling.”

Treasury Department Manager Harold Mercer is one that will continue to wonder what it’s like to be at the cool table. Despite having passed three certification tests, Tim has yet to pass the CPA Exam. “I bet he hasn’t even tried,” admitted Lori Anderson. “Sometimes I wonder if he’s really serious about his career.” Julie added, “Yeah, I think all that joking around is just to cover up his lack of GAAP knowledge.”

Unfortunately, none of Harold's certifications will get him a seat at the CPA-only table. “There are days I stare at that corner table as I eat my lunch,” Harold confessed. “I hear them all laughing at ratio jokes that I just don’t get. And that’s what hurts the most.”

It is rumored that Harold’s Secret Santa has purchased Becker CPA Review books to help Tim pass the exam.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

New Hire Interviews Herself for HR Position

Due to a rare set of circumstances, Lisa interviewed herself for the new HR Manager position. At the time, the Detroit office was without any Human Resources Department so no one else was qualified to do it.

But the interview didn't go as smoothly as you might expect. Lisa was disappointed in some of the answers she gave to standard interview questions. When asked how it went, Lisa told reporters, "She went on and on and on about her strengths but couldn't name a single weakness, like, say, talking to yourself in an interview room. Being crazy is probably a weakness at Widgets Corp LLC, Inc."

Obviously, Lisa did well enough to recover and get the job offer. Probably by answering "Why should I hire you?" with "Because we have a mortgage payment due in three weeks."

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Bathrooms on 5th Floor are "Way Nicer"

Due to a plumbing issue last week, all Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. employees had to use the restrooms on the 5th floor. Although these restrooms are in the same building, everyone was surprised at the differences. When asked how they compare, almost everyone used the phrase "way nicer".

Tim Green said his favorite part of the bathroom decor were the automatic sensors on the sinks and toilets. He said, "I'm a middle-manager so I don't have the time to be turning faucets on and off. And forget about flushing toilets."

Reasons for the higher rating for the women's bathroom included gold framed mirrors from West Elm and purple velvet curtains. "I was pleasantly surprised," Winifred Smith told reporters. "So much so, I found myself going to the bathroom just to hang out." Janice Miller added, "The lighting in there is really outstanding."

The plumbing issue is expected to be resolved by the end of the week. Until then, due to an increase in loitering complaints, building security has announced that all employees must now use the restroom in the Starbucks next door.

Written by John Garrett