Despite Company Slogan, Widgets Gets Same Results

Widgets Corp, LLC, Inc., known for it’s slogan “Better people, Better results”, recently announced it will actually get the “same results” this year, despite hiring “better people”.

Widgets spokesperson Tom Searson said it's time to realize that the statement may have been far fetched. "After consulting with several clients, we realized that we were doing just fine with the people we had."

Searson went on to admit the slogan was created after the committee ate Papa John’s pizza for lunch. “I guess we didn’t really think this one through,” admitted Searson. “Better ingredients do make better pizzas but that slogan format only works if you are making things people eat”.

Widgets will begin working on a new slogan campaign immediately. Rumor has it that the front runner is "We’re Pretty Good with Who We Have Now".


Written by John Garrett

Manager Refuses to Accept Resignation

Cara Johnson weighed her options and decided a fresh start at a new company would be best for her. And she wanted to give her manager the customary two-week notice. "I told him this morning and all he said was, 'I can't accept your resignation'," Johnson said. "What the heck am I supposed to do now?"

Johnson's manager, Kyle Daniels, then told her, "I'll tell you what you're supposed to do now. How about finish that Accounts Receivable Aging Analysis?" Daniels then turned to reporters and said, "Nothing happens around here unless I say so. If Cara leaves Widgets, it will only be because it was my idea, not hers."

This is an unprecedented decision as it is the first time a manager has refused to accept a resignation in the history of Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. The Human Resources Department is not sure of the protocol. "We are reaching out to our peers. Until then, Cara is going to have to continue to work here," said an HR spokesperson. "I'm sure she will come to realize she really doesn't really want to leave Widgets. The other company is offering a promotion and more pay. Is that stuff really that important?"

Year-end Review Levels Announced

Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. has changed the ranking system for the 7th consecutive year. "We feel like we really got it right this time," said Jennifer Smith, Human Resources Director. "Then again, we thought we were close three years ago but have had to make changes ever since."

The internal announcement stated employees will be rated on a scale from 1 to 3. Reporters later found out that there are six levels: 1, 1.5, 1.7, 2, and 3. When asked why the levels aren't whole numbers, Smith told reporters, "Being last is bad enough but getting a 5 would be embarrassing!" It seems they are trying hard to continue the idea that "All Widgets Are Winners".

Unfortunately, not all employees are even eligible for the highest rating. After reading the details, reporters discovered:
- Level 1: completely unattainable
- Level 1.5: only eligible to the owner
- Level 1.7: only for those in the Human Resources Department
- Level 2: highest rating eligible for employees
- Level 3: lowest rating eligible for employees

When asked why HR gets their own level, Smith said, "Well we are the geniuses who created this whole thing."

Then a reporter pointed out that this means nearly all the employees only have a possible rating of 2 or 3. Smith retorted, "Yeah, we tried to keep this process simple."


Written by John Garrett

Work-Life Balance Plan Fails

In what has become known as the "Seward's Folly" of Corporate America, Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. admitted that the Work-Life Balance propaganda has led to the demise of the company. "It ends up that we gave them a choice, and the professionals actually chose 'life' over work," said a disappointed Cara Lewis, Widgets spokesperson. "We thought that they would surely choose work." The other companies are busy using this to their advantage. "Those silly fools. I cannot believe that the leadership would even give them a choice," said Brian Jenkins, spokesperson for Thingamabob, Widgets' biggest competitor. "The only choice our people get are work or live out on the streets. There is no question that work is your life and life is your work. That is how it should be at an institution like this." Many Widgets employees were leading the cause for the choice of 'life'. Richard Graffis, known for being a slacker, was not surprised to hear others prefer his evil ways. He told reporters that "it is about time that everyone else started working only 5 hours a day and then hitting the bars." Norm Tabler, having a reputation as a serious workaholic, was persuaded to choose 'life' by his peers. "I did not even know what this 'life' stuff was until I actually tried it. To tell you the truth, it was pretty fun and I think I'll try some more of it later this week." Cara Lewis stated that "Widgets is in the process of fixing the errant decision as quickly as possible". All professionals should expect to see the "Work-Life Balance Plan" to be replaced by the "What are you working on? Plan", hence taking away the choice of 'life'.


Written by John Garrett