Corporate Relief

Kevin Gaydos Told Holiday Party Is Next Saturday

2011-10-15T08:50:00.000-04:00

In an effort to keep the open bar tab from exceeding the budget, Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. management decided it was best for Kevin Gaydos not to be there. Therefore, Kevin's invitation says the party is actually next Saturday, December 17th.

"We set the real party for this weekend because we knew Kevin was going to a Covey Motivational Retreat," Janice Miller told reporters. "He wouldn't stop talking about how he was going to get his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People book autographed."

Reporters discovered that on December 17th, the venue is scheduled to host a Very Vegan Christmas. So the prank will not only be cost effective but also hilarious.

New Hire Interviews Herself for HR Position

2011-09-15T08:55:00.000-04:00

Due to a rare set of circumstances, Lisa interviewed herself for the new HR Manager position. At the time, the Detroit office was without any Human Resources Department so no one else was qualified to do it.

But the interview didn't go as smoothly as you might expect. Lisa was disappointed in some of the answers she gave to standard interview questions. When asked how it went, Lisa told reporters, "She went on and on and on about her strengths but couldn't name a single weakness, like, say, talking to yourself in an interview room. Being crazy is probably a weakness at Widgets Corp LLC, Inc."

Obviously, Lisa did well enough to recover and get the job offer. Probably by answering "Why should I hire you?" with "Because we have a mortgage payment due in three weeks."

New CPA-Only Table in Break Room

2011-08-15T15:45:00.001-04:00

In order to create more of an incentive for the Accounting Department staff to pass the CPA Exam, management has announced a CPA-only table in the break room. Julie Thompson told reporters, “Just like the cool table in high school, the CPA-only table is for a select group. Besides, most of the CPAs probably never got to sit at the cool table in high school so it’s nice for them to experience this feeling.”

Treasury Department Manager Harold Mercer is one that will continue to wonder what it’s like to be at the cool table. Despite having passed three certification tests, Tim has yet to pass the CPA Exam. “I bet he hasn’t even tried,” admitted Lori Anderson. “Sometimes I wonder if he’s really serious about his career.” Julie added, “Yeah, I think all that joking around is just to cover up his lack of GAAP knowledge.”

Unfortunately, none of Harold's certifications will get him a seat at the CPA-only table. “There are days I stare at that corner table as I eat my lunch,” Harold confessed. “I hear them all laughing at ratio jokes that I just don’t get. And that’s what hurts the most.”

It is rumored that Harold’s Secret Santa has purchased Becker CPA Review books to help Tim pass the exam.

Keith Talks About Sports at Lunch

2011-07-15T13:00:00.002-04:00

"I couldn't believe it!" exclaimed Helen Madsen. "Everyone knows you only talk about work when you go to lunch – especially when you go with me."

This embarrassing incident happened at TGI Friday's last week when Keith Hendrickson went to lunch with three co-workers. Keith said, "I was having a rough day and honestly forgot the rule."

By all accounts, Keith repeatedly brought up Monday Night Football even though others would want to talk about work. Helen said, “Right when we would change the subject to the new organizational chart, he would start talking about football again. I was flabbergasted.”

Due to this behavior, Helen has asked him to not join the lunch group for the next two weeks. Keith admitted, “Yeah, I definitely deserve the lunch probation.”

Incoming Sales Associates Will Be Much Smarter

2011-06-29T12:30:00.003-04:00

According to high-ranking sources inside Widgets Corp LLC, Inc., the newest class of sales associates are much better than those in previous years.

"We think we finally got it right this time," said HR Director Jennifer Smith. "Last year was kind of a dry run. We took the bottom of the barrel in order to experiment on them. Now that we've worked the kinks out, we'll bring in the real talent. The sequel will be better than the original."

"Everything about them is better," agreed Silvia Lydon. "They're smarter, more skilled with people, more athletic, and most of all, better looking. Another glaring difference between the classes is that the new class has only had 2 members that have participated in AA and the current group has, well, a lot more than that," she added.

Current Widgets employees aren't so sure that the new class will measure up.

“Working at Widgets is way harder than it looks," said Jeremy Brown. "If these rookies think they can just come right in and be superstars, they've got another thing coming. We all know what happened to 'Saved by the Bell: The New Class'".

Only time will tell which class performs better, but look for the rivalry to heat up in the months to come.

Manager Refuses to Accept Resignation

2011-06-15T12:21:00.000-04:00

Cara Johnson weighed her options and decided a fresh start at a new company would be best for her. And she wanted to give her manager the customary two-week notice. "I told him this morning and all he said was, 'I can't accept your resignation'," Johnson said. "What the heck am I supposed to do now?"

Johnson's manager, Kyle Daniels, then told her, "I'll tell you what you're supposed to do now. How about finish that Accounts Receivable Aging Analysis?" Daniels then turned to reporters and said, "Nothing happens around here unless I say so. If Cara leaves Widgets, it will only be because it was my idea, not hers."

This is an unprecedented decision as it is the first time a manager has refused to accept a resignation in the history of Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. The Human Resources Department is not sure of the protocol. "We are reaching out to our peers. Until then, Cara is going to have to continue to work here," said an HR spokesperson. "I'm sure she will come to realize she really doesn't really want to leave Widgets. The other company is offering a promotion and more pay. Is that stuff really that important?"

Year-end Review Levels Announced

2011-06-01T13:00:00.000-04:00

Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. has changed the ranking system for the 7th consecutive year. "We feel like we really got it right this time," said Jennifer Smith, Human Resources Director. "Then again, we thought we were close three years ago but have had to make changes ever since."

The internal announcement stated employees will be rated on a scale from 1 to 3. Reporters later found out that there are six levels: 1, 1.5, 1.7, 2, and 3. When asked why the levels aren't whole numbers, Smith told reporters, "Being last is bad enough but getting a 5 would be embarrassing!" It seems they are trying hard to continue the idea that "All Widgets Are Winners".

Unfortunately, not all employees are even eligible for the highest rating. After reading the details, reporters discovered:
- Level 1: completely unattainable
- Level 1.5: only eligible to the owner
- Level 1.7: only for those in the Human Resources Department
- Level 2: highest rating eligible for employees
- Level 3: lowest rating eligible for employees

When asked why HR gets their own level, Smith said, "Well we are the geniuses who created this whole thing."

Then a reporter pointed out that this means nearly all the employees only have a possible rating of 2 or 3. Smith retorted, "Yeah, we tried to keep this process simple."

Written by John Garrett

Work-Life Balance Plan Fails

2011-05-18T15:23:00.000-04:00

In what has become known as the "Seward's Folly" of Corporate America, Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. admitted that the Work-Life Balance propaganda has led to the demise of the company. "It ends up that we gave them a choice, and the professionals actually chose 'life' over work," said a disappointed Cara Lewis, Widgets spokesperson. "We thought that they would surely choose work." The other companies are busy using this to their advantage. "Those silly fools. I cannot believe that the leadership would even give them a choice," said Brian Jenkins, spokesperson for Thingamabob, Widgets' biggest competitor. "The only choice our people get are work or live out on the streets. There is no question that work is your life and life is your work. That is how it should be at an institution like this." Many Widgets employees were leading the cause for the choice of 'life'. Richard Graffis, known for being a slacker, was not surprised to hear others prefer his evil ways. He told reporters that "it is about time that everyone else started working only 5 hours a day and then hitting the bars." Norm Tabler, having a reputation as a serious workaholic, was persuaded to choose 'life' by his peers. "I did not even know what this 'life' stuff was until I actually tried it. To tell you the truth, it was pretty fun and I think I'll try some more of it later this week." Cara Lewis stated that "Widgets is in the process of fixing the errant decision as quickly as possible". All professionals should expect to see the "Work-Life Balance Plan" to be replaced by the "What are you working on? Plan", hence taking away the choice of 'life'.

Written by John Garrett

Manager Acting More Important Than He Really Is

2011-05-04T22:17:00.000-04:00

Manager Charlie Moore is reportedly acting like he is an important part of the Finance Department, sources say. According to Analysts working with him, Moore has demonstrated his importance by demanding that other staff make his travel plans for him, pick up his lunch, and even run his errands. Moore thinks he has earned this importance by working for five straight years at Widgets Corp, LLC, Inc.

He did not always act like this say some employees. "He was cool until that one morning he finished his online MBA Program. Then, he became very important and started making us call him Manager Moore instead of Charlie”.

"A guy like that must be really important," said Winifred Smith. "Otherwise, why would he call me on Sunday at home to tell me something that could have waited until Monday morning?" Jim Alger agreed. "You know when somebody is one of Widgets Corp, LLC, Inc.'s 173 managers, he has truly reached the pinnacle of the business world. They are the players that are molding the corporate world right before our eyes. We are only too lucky to do their grunt work and have them take credit for it."

Moore commented that he is way too busy "making things happen" to be interviewed for this story, adding "hey, you, could you make seven copies of this?"

Written by John Garrett

Hallway Salutations Get Awkward

2011-04-20T15:00:00.000-04:00

As Dave Gilbertson walks around the Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. corporate office, he tries to be friendly to each employee he passes. But after seeing Michelle Wolf six times yesterday, Dave was running out of things to say. "I used up all the greetings I could think of," Dave told reporters. "I really didn't know what else to say to her."

After using the standard lines 'hello', 'what's up?', 'how ya doin' and even 'howdy', Dave resorted to another language with 'bonjour'. "It's a good thing I saw that Olsen twins movie Passport to Paris," he said before quickly adding, "Wait, that last part is off the record."

Dave had a feeling he would run into Michelle again so he used Yahoo! Answers to research creative ways to say hello. That is where he discovered the line 'you smell fantastic'. "Yeah, that was the first one I saw so that was the only one that stuck in my head," Dave admitted. "I guess I should have stuck to 'hi'."

Human Resources has since announced that Michelle will not be punished for giving Dave a black eye.

Written by John Garrett

Caterer Delivers Wrong Pasta Salad

2011-04-06T14:00:00.000-04:00

"We always use City Market for catering because they have never let me down," Stacy Thole told reporters as she fought back tears. "I can't believe they would do something like this."

Tri Color Bowtie Pasta Salad has always been a staple at Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. catered lunch meetings. No one is sure how City Market could have delivered Basil Pesto Tortellini instead.

Thole angrily called the caterer several times, explaining, "The meeting is going to start in three minutes and I don't have the right pasta salad. Heads are definitely going to roll."

Attendees felt the regional team meeting just wasn't the same. "The pasta salad is by far the best part of lunch," said Tom Searson. "I usually make three or four trips to the serving line." Kevin Gaydos added, "That stuff makes my brain work so much faster." When asked how the tortellini compared, Jeff Raynes said, "They're both good but I really like the colors in the other one."

Thole really feels like she let the team down. "I know the pasta salad makes meetings so much more productive," she said.

Due to the catering error, Widgets has had to reduce the first quarter projected earnings.

No one from City Market was available for comment.

Written by John Garrett

IT Director Locked Out of System

2011-03-30T16:30:00.000-04:00

IT Director Peter King forgot his password Monday morning and is still locked out of the system four days later. The WindowsXP security settings allow users three incorrect entries before requiring a new password. Unfortunately, King is responsible for resetting passwords when employees are locked out and there doesn't seem to be a backup plan in place. "I guess we never really thought about it happening to me," King admitted. "I've been calling our vendor for three days but they haven't been much help. We should have sprung for the upgraded support package."

When asked why they don't seem to have the same problem, other Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. employees stated, "I never forget mine because I just change the number at the end," said Jim Alger, who is using Password7 right now. "By the time I get to 9, I'm able to use the number 1 again". A bewildered VP, who asked to remain anonymous, added, "Why doesn't he just write in on a post-it note under his keyboard like everyone else?"

Peter King commented that he doesn't recommend writing your password on a post-it note. It's also safe to assume that he doesn't recommend getting locked out of the system.

Written by John Garrett

Bathrooms on 5th Floor are "Way Nicer"

2011-03-16T12:35:00.000-04:00

Due to a plumbing issue last week, all Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. employees had to use the restrooms on the 5th floor. Although these restrooms are in the same building, everyone was surprised at the differences. When asked how they compare, almost everyone used the phrase "way nicer".

Tim Green said his favorite part of the bathroom decor were the automatic sensors on the sinks and toilets. He said, "I'm a middle-manager so I don't have the time to be turning faucets on and off. And forget about flushing toilets."

Reasons for the higher rating for the women's bathroom included gold framed mirrors from West Elm and purple velvet curtains. "I was pleasantly surprised," Winifred Smith told reporters. "So much so, I found myself going to the bathroom just to hang out." Janice Miller added, "The lighting in there is really outstanding."

The plumbing issue is expected to be resolved by the end of the week. Until then, due to an increase in loitering complaints, building security has announced that all employees must now use the restroom in the Starbucks next door.

Written by John Garrett

Bryan Definitely Means to Interrupt

2011-03-02T08:28:00.000-05:00

He’s only worked for Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. for eight months but everyone knows that Bryan Clark doesn’t always mean what he says. “Yeah, he’s always telling everyone ‘I don’t mean to interrupt’ but all he ever does is interrupt,” said Alexa Fuller.

The latest incident happened yesterday when Fuller closed her office door to quietly enjoy her lunch. A few minutes later, Clark knocked on her door as he opened it. Realizing Fuller was eating, Clark says, “I don’t mean to interrupt but what size font should I use on these slides?”

“Really?” Fuller asked sarcastically, shaking her head. “I have my door closed for a reason. Can’t a girl eat lunch in peace anymore?”

After repeated questioning by reporters, Clark finally admitted he actually did mean to interrupt. Clark then added, "It's not even my job to change the font size on these slides anyway.”

Written by John Garrett

Automatic Stapler Named Purchase of the Year

2011-02-16T09:48:00.000-05:00

November 17th was a very important date in the history of Widgets Corp LLP, Inc. because that is when the Bostitch Anti-Jam Electric Stapler arrived at the corporate office.

Reporters found that Donald Wheeler is being credited with creating Purchase Order 102785 which approved the purchase of Widgets’ first automatic stapler. Wheeler says he picked that model because “…it had anti-jam in the name and that sounded cool”.

It was an easy choice for 2010 Purchase of the Year because employees throughout the office rave about the stapler. IT Specialist Mike Doberstein told reporters, “The owner’s manual says it staples up to 45 sheets of paper but I was able to squeeze in 48 one time.” He then smiled and added, “…but that’s probably because I’m a rebel.”

Written by John Garrett

Kelli Abuses "Business Casual" Attire Rule

2011-02-02T09:22:00.000-05:00

Kelli Ellis has the corporate office talking about her reckless attitude towards the office's business casual policy. Ellis, known for always being on the cutting edge, may have stepped over the line last week. Sporting merely khakis and a white t-shirt, Ellis strolled around like she was "all that". Her outfit clearly flew in the face of the office policy, which specifically states that "unacceptable attire includes... t-shirts or any other shirts without collars."

"It really made for an unprofessional environment," said Bruce Tapp. "I don't know how I can be expected to work when people are going to flaunt the rules like that."

Ellis defended her choice of outfits by stating that the t-shirt was purchased at the Gap, which somehow makes it acceptable. "Besides, I had to box up files this morning," Ellis said. An analysis of the policy turned up no exception for that activity.

Widgets leadership announced that Ellis would be given one-month's dress code probation, as well as not being allowed to participate in the next "blue jeans day".

Written by John Garrett

Employees Upgrade to the Fast Lane

2011-01-19T21:34:00.000-05:00

As expected, January's whopping 4% raises have significantly changed the lives of Widgets Corp LLC, Inc. employees, rocketing them into an elite set of consumers. Marketing Associate Theresa Higgins is no exception.

On the evening of January 7, Higgins took her first "post-raise" visit to the local supermarket. "Usually I buy the generic brand soda," said Higgins. On this night, flush with money from her new raise, Higgins headed straight for the Coca-Cola display. "Yeah, it was well over a dollar for a two liter compared to the usual 88 cents, but it was worth it." She went on to add, "and I'm worth it."

All across the area, one could find countless other examples of newfound wealth. At lunch on January 5, Matt Fuchs opted for extra cheese on his usual two slices of pizza. Previously, he only sprung for this luxury on his birthday.

The most extreme example took place over the weekend, when Jonathan Schmitt put $10 worth of premium gasoline in his car "because I felt like it."

In a related story, the Federal Reserve announced the recent splurge in spending by Widgets employees could be solely responsible for reviving the U.S. economy.

Written by John Garrett

Despite Company Slogan, Widgets Gets Same Results

2011-01-05T15:45:00.000-05:00

Widgets Corp, LLC, Inc., known for it’s slogan “Better people, Better results”, recently announced it will actually get the “same results” this year, despite hiring “better people”.

Widgets spokesperson Tom Searson said it's time to realize that the statement may have been far fetched. "After consulting with several clients, we realized that we were doing just fine with the people we had."

Searson went on to admit the slogan was created after the committee ate Papa John’s pizza for lunch. “I guess we didn’t really think this one through,” admitted Searson. “Better ingredients do make better pizzas but that slogan format only works if you are making things people eat”.

Widgets will begin working on a new slogan campaign immediately. Rumor has it that the front runner is "We’re Pretty Good with Who We Have Now".

Written by John Garrett

Tim Green Missing After Filing December 31 Timesheet

2010-12-29T19:22:00.000-05:00

Senior Associate Tim Green was one of three employees rounded up for failing to account for every six-minute block on their December 31 timesheet.

"Each block is vital because that could be billable time," said Gina Rakers. "If Tim’s rate was $200 an hour, that means the Firm is out a whopping twenty bucks." The punishment for an error like this is three days in solitary confinement sorting the mail.

"How many times do I have to tell that kid?" asked Mike Atwood, Vice President. "I certainly hope that he learns his lesson."

Written by John Garrett

Miller Reschedules a Rescheduled, Rescheduled Meeting

2010-12-22T10:28:00.009-05:00

In a move regarded as the boldest in years, Janice Miller rescheduled a rescheduled, rescheduled meeting back to the original time. "There is nothing else I could do," she admitted. "Kevin's calendar is so full". Apparently the original time slot opened up after Kevin's golf tee time moved to another day.

Written by John Garrett